How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Stop People‑Pleasing

Written By Aleksandra Kostina

(For Sensitive, Spiritual Women Who Care “Too Much”)

You are in the middle of a busy week, your phone buzzes with yet another request: “Could you organise the volunteer sign-up sheets again?” Instantly, your smile appears, your voice says, "Of course, happy to help." But as you type your reply, your stomach tightens and a small voice inside protests, wishing you could just say no.

Many sensitive, nurturing women are taught to be "good girls": polite, helpful, and to avoid trouble. Over time, this conditioning can lead to chronic people-pleasing, saying yes when you want to say no, caring for others while neglecting your needs. This guide will show you how to protect your energy and well-being by setting healthy boundaries without losing your compassion. Psychologists link ongoing people-pleasing to increased stress, resentment, and burnout, while spiritual teachers warn it can cloud intuition and block inner power.

What People‑Pleasing Really Is (And Why It’s Not Your Fault)

People-pleasing is more than "being nice"; it's a survival strategy your nervous system learned for safety. If praised for being quiet or helpful, or punished for expressing needs, your body learned that love depends on making others comfortable. This shows up as over-explaining, apologising, avoiding conflict, and feeling guilty for resting or saying no.

Both the sympathetic (fight/flight) and dorsal (freeze/submit) nervous system responses are evident in people-pleasing: you may feel anxious until everyone is happy, or feel disconnected from your own needs. Understanding this removes shame: you are not weak—your system uses an outdated program. Brené Brown writes, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

Now that we’ve explored what people‑pleasing means, let’s consider what healthy boundaries actually look like:

Healthy boundaries mark where you end, and another begins—emotionally, physically, energetically, and spiritually. They're not walls but agreements that protect your time, energy, body, and heart so you show up with genuine love instead of hidden resentment. The Mental Health Foundation calls them essential for mental health, helping manage demands and avoid overload.

Healthy boundaries mark where you end, and another begins: emotionally, physically, energetically, and spiritually. They're not walls but agreements that protect your time, energy, body, and heart so you show up with genuine love instead of hidden resentment. The Mental Health Foundation calls them essential for mental health, helping manage demands and avoid overload.

Boundaries can be practical, emotional, or energetic, and each type plays out in real life. A practical boundary might look like your phone buzzing at 10 p.m. with a work message, and you choose not to reply until morning, giving yourself permission to rest. An emotional boundary could arise in a family setting, like when an aunt starts probing about your dating life at dinner; gently telling her, "I appreciate your interest, but I’d rather not discuss my personal life right now," draws a clear line about what topics are okay. For energetic boundaries, imagine choosing whom you spend time with: maybe you notice that after coffee with a certain friend, you always feel depleted, so you decide to limit these meetups to protect your state of mind.

As Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of "Set Boundaries, Find Peace," writes, "Boundaries are not just a sign of a healthy relationship; they are a sign of self‑respect." When you honour your limits, you gently affirm to your inner child: "Your feelings matter. Your energy is precious. I will protect you now."

The Nervous System and Saying “No”

For people pleasers, even imagining saying no can trigger panic—a racing heart, a tight chest, guilt, or fear. Your nervous system remembers when saying no led to conflict or rejection and tries to protect you by urging compliance. Trauma-informed practitioners say boundary work must include calming your body so it canhandle discomfort.

Practices like slow exhalations, feeling your feet on the ground, placing a hand on your heart or belly, and relaxing your jaw and shoulders signal safety to the body before and after boundary conversations. Over time, your system learns that saying “no” does not equal danger – it equals self‑care and truth. In “The Body Keeps the Score”, Bessel van der Kolk highlights how reclaiming agency – the ability to choose and say no – is crucial for healing past wounds and stress patterns.

Spiritual Perspective: You Are Not Here to Be Small

Spiritually, people-pleasing dims your inner light and pulls you from your purpose. Spiritual traditions remind us that every soul has unique gifts that need nurturing, time, and commitment. If all your energy goes into others’ emotions, you have little left for your calling, creativity, and inner work. For example, one client described how she spent years putting others first, leaving her art supplies untouched in a cupboard. As she began setting boundaries and said no to requests that left her drained, she slowly reclaimed time for painting. The joy and creative flow she rediscovered became a powerful affirmation of her true self. Stories like hers remind us that playing small not only limits you, but also withholds your gifts from the world. Marianne Williamson said, "You're playing small does not serve the world."

Healthy boundaries are a form of sacred alignment: you are saying yes to what your soul is here to do and no to what pulls you away from it. Sound baths, meditation, prayer and ritual can help you tune into your inner “yes” and “no”, especially if you’ve spent years ignoring them. In the quiet after a sound session, many people suddenly feel clear about which relationships, obligations, or patterns are draining them and which are deeply nourishing.

If you want to experience this sense of sacred alignment yourself, try a simple boundary ritual this week: Light a candle, sit quietly, and take three slow breaths. With your journal beside you, ask yourself, "Where am I being called to say yes or no right now?" Let your answers arise gently, free from judgment. You might notice a relationship that needs clearer boundaries or an invitation you're unsure about. Treat this small ceremony as a safe space to honour your inner truth. Over time, experimenting with these mini-rituals can help build trust in your own guidance and make boundary setting a more nourishing, embodied practice.

Practical Steps to Start Setting Boundaries

You don't have to change overnight. Think of each step as a tiny experiment, not a final test. By approaching boundaries as playful, gentle experiments, you invite curiosity and reduce the pressure for perfection. Start small so your mind and body can build confidence:

  • Notice resentment. It's often a sign you said yes when you wanted to say no. Use it as information, not proof you are “bad”.”

  • Practice “pausing” instead of automatically saying yes. Try phrases like “Let me check my schedule” or “I’ll get back to you” to give your nervous system time to respond rather than react.


  • Here is how this small shift might sound in real life:

  • Before pausing:

  • Friend: "Can you help me move this weekend?"

  • You (automatically): "Sure, I can do that."


  • After pausing:

  • Friend: "Can you help me move this weekend?"

  • You: "Let me check my schedule and get back to you."


  • Notice how using a pause phrase gives you space to consider your needs before responding, making it easier to honour your boundaries.

  • Start with low-risk boundaries, like not answering messages after a certain time, or taking 10 minutes for yourself after work before engaging with others. To help make your progress real, try tracking a simple metric after you set one small boundary. For instance, notice how many minutes you reclaimed for yourself in an evening, or rate your stress level before and after protecting your downtime. Write the numbers down for a week. Even small, visible wins will provide evidence that setting boundaries is making a difference and help build momentum as you continue.

  • Use simple, kind language. You don’t owe long explanations. Short sentences like “I’m not available for that” or “That doesn’t work for me right now” are enough.

  • Expect discomfort, not disaster. Feeling guilty or anxious at first does not mean the boundary is wrong; it simply means it’s new. Offer yourself the same understanding and patience you would give a loved one learning something for the first time—this is a natural part of growth.

Nedra Glover Tawwab suggests that clarity is kindness: when you are clear, people know what to expect, and relationships become more honest and stable. Over time, the people who respect your boundaries stay and the ones who only benefited from your self‑abandonment naturally move away.

Community, Sound and Circles as Boundary Medicine

Doing this work alone can feel overwhelming, especially if you’ve identified as “the helpful one” or “the strong one.” Supportive spaces like women’s circles, therapy, coaching, or group programs create a safe place where you can practice using your voice and be seen in your truth. Sharing your struggles with people-pleasing and hearing “me too” reduces shame and builds courage to try something different in daily life.

Sound baths and nervous-system-aware practices can make boundary work feel embodied rather than just mental. When lying down in a sound journey, your body can soften and let go of the constant inner “pressure to perform.” Many women report that after restorative sessions, it becomes easier to make aligned decisions—such as cancelling commitments they lack energy for, asking for help, or raising their prices. In this way, sound and circle spaces offer not just relaxation, but a training ground for new, healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.

Books and Inspirations for Your Boundary Journey

If you feel called to go deeper, these books are often recommended for healing people‑pleasing and reclaiming your inner power:

You might want to include short quotes from these authors in your posts or circles, like Brené Brown’s reminder: “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” This can help your readers feel understood and encouraged in their own journey.

You Are Allowed to Take Up Space

Learning to set healthy boundaries and stop people-pleasing is not about becoming cold or selfish; it is about becoming honest, grounded and truly available for the relationships and work that matter most. You are allowed to take up space, to rest, to disappoint others sometimes, and to choose what is right for you, even when others don’t understand. As you practice, your nervous system will slowly learn that your truth is safe, and your life will begin to feel more aligned, spacious and deeply your own. Start taking one concrete step today—perhaps by saying no to a small request or by voicing a limit in a gentle way. The more you practice, the stronger and more authentic you will feel. Trust that you are worthy of boundaries, and take action to honour yourself now.

FOUND YOUR SISTERHOOD
Aleksandra Kostina
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How to Deal with Stress, Anxiety and Burnout in Everyday Life